Ego vs soul: A love theory

There is this old quote that I used to hear growing up that is centered around relationships… It says that “one likes another, because… while others love, despite”. This quote insinuates the belief that there are tiers in terms of feelings in a relationship. In “liking” someone, one’s feelings are more superficial, more based on the idea of what is seen physically. Generally, when you like somebody, you are attracted to surface-level qualities. You like someone BECAUSE they are pretty or smart or they are nice, etc. You like them conditionally, meaning that you like them under the condition that they retain those same attractive qualities that caught your eye initially. It’s a truth that reminds us of a fundamental difference: Liking someone can be conditional if interest is left unexplored, whereas love that stems from a deeper and more meaningful place is not.

When we “like” someone, our feelings are often tied to specific traits, such as their looks, sense of humor, and charm. Its attraction is built on the surface, and when those qualities fade or shift, interest can fade with them.

Love is infinite. It exists even beyond our own interests. It remains present in our hearts despite any level of superficial attractiveness. Love is more selfless than selfish, revolving around the idea of WE rather than ME. In love, one would rather give without any need for a returning reward. If one is in a loving relationship, they understand the importance of cooperation. They seek to understand their partner, listen to their partner, and enjoy the moments with their partner without any need for self-satisfaction or comparison to previous loves.

Some of the most difficult parts about being with someone are understanding how you feel about your partner or how your partner feels about you. In psychology, there are two types of love one can feel. One is the ego, which is driven by “self”. It is fueled by the mind, it longs for security, it is reactive, condemning, withholding, separating, resentful, critical, etc. The other love stems from one’s “soul”. It is a love that stands the test of time. It’s a deep, acceptance-based connection. It is healing, freeing, and understanding.

Ego love exists in a large percentage of modern relationships. In today’s world, ego-driven love often wins. We curate our lives for social media, polishing our profiles like advertisements. Men showcase status and possessions to signal security, while women emphasize beauty in ways shaped by competition and desire. Attraction has become a performance, a highlight reel of what we want others to see rather than who we truly are.

The digital age has made meeting people easier than ever, but truly knowing them is a different story. Many of us enter relationships with a script, projecting a fantasy rather than embracing reality. Love becomes a product of expectation, not exploration. We swipe left or right in seconds, judging people on a single photo and a short bio. The culture of instant gratification has turned human connection into a disposable commodity. If a relationship doesn't produce a perfect Instagram story, we can be quick to abandon it. This forces us to ask: Can we truly build long-term bonds when every moment is examined under a microscope? Is there space for real love in modern society?

Soul love should be slow. It is deliberate. It thrives not on perfection but on patience. It means looking beyond curated images and surface-level attraction to see someone as a whole person, as someone with fears, flaws, and dreams. It requires empathy, effort, and a willingness to sit with discomfort.

Love is kind. Love is raw. Love is uncomfortable. And yet, it is also blissful.

It is important to understand that love is simply not confined to romance. It exists in the relationships we have with friends and family. A parent's love for their child, for instance, can feel like one of the purest forms of love, something so raw and organic that it comes from the soul itself. This kind of deep, unconditional bond may be the ultimate goal of a romantic relationship, but it's not something that happens overnight. It requires time, investment, and a willingness to show up every day. Daily conversations build a quiet, unassuming closeness that can make our hearts vulnerable and open us up to risks we never planned to take.

At its core, love is a risk. It's a leap of faith that asks us to be brave enough to see someone completely, and to let them see us in return.